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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26609659">I’m not gonna do it</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saturnactuallywrote/pseuds/Saturnactuallywrote'>Saturnactuallywrote</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Diary/Journal, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sad?, Short, entries, mentions of depression/ anxiety, sis idk either</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 09:27:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>861</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26609659</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saturnactuallywrote/pseuds/Saturnactuallywrote</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>first journal entry</p><p> </p><p>more to be added soon</p><p>is this considered poetry 😳🤚</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. longing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>take care of yourselves guys 🥺<br/>If you haven’t eaten yet to eat something<br/>If you haven’t drank water today go get a glass<br/>If you haven’t taken a shower in the past few days go do so<br/>Go take your meds<br/>Talk to them. They’ll be excited to receive a text from you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you were in my dream last night.</p><p>we were ice skating.</p><p>oh. i guess you don’t know. i ice skate now. isn’t that wonderful?</p><p>it was a dream, naturally it’s memory to me is only a second. But we were laughing.</p><p>isn’t that strange? how it’s such a marvel to me now?</p><p> </p><p>some people are able to see the future in their dreams. warning of danger or fortelling meeting a new friend. always alerting of a significant event.</p><p>I’ve never had a prophetic dream.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. space</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>entree 2</p><p>I love science. My favorite branch of science is medicine, but space is a close second.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Reminders:<br/>If you haven’t eaten yet, go eat something<br/>If you haven’t had water today, go get a glass<br/>If you haven’t showered recently, go take one<br/>If you have meds you need to take go do it<br/>If you have homework at lest start<br/>please</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i love space.</p><p>i even have galaxy print sheets on my bed. did you know that?</p><p>at night, you can look up and see every star above you. every planet around you. every square inch of empty space. nothing.</p><p>it makes you feel less than tiny.<br/>it makes you feel insignificant. </p><p>what a lovely feeling</p><p>my favorite figure of space has always been the black hole. all encompassing. it can even dull time itself.<br/>You know what the best way to view an attraction like that is?</p><p>not through a textbook diagram,</p><p>not through a camera lens,</p><p>but with your own two eyes.</p><p>i’ve always wanted to see a black hole. <br/>i’m going to see a black hole.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. parents</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>school was terrible yesterday day but today I have like no work. fair enough I guess</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you’re having a pretty good day today too (:<br/>As always:<br/>If you haven’t eaten yet go eat something<br/>If you haven’t had water today go get a glass<br/>If you haven’t showered recently go do so<br/>If you have meds to take go do it<br/>It’s starting to cool down a lot, at least where I live. Go outside, the breeze feels nice</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you people are irredeemable.</p><p>this is why i turned out the way i did.</p><p>isn’t that disgusting? What kind of monster hates their own parents?</p><p>maybe you should’ve prayed harder for a good child.</p><p>maybe you should’ve prayed for a normal child.</p><p>Well,<br/>your still more religious than i could ever be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. whole</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>had to edit the last one because I’m actually stupid 🤡<br/>dosage got raised. maybe it’ll start working.<br/>hopefully</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sometimes I get really frustrated at how bad I am at conversations, like I can’t even talk to my best friends and have a normal friendship with them. but I was able to make friends when I was little, so I guess it’s not impossible<br/>Drink water ):&lt;<br/>eat something):&lt;<br/>shower ):&lt;<br/>take your meds if you need to ):&lt;<br/>think about your favorite person. Pretend you’re describing them to me (:</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>she described me as half a human being.<br/>
she was more right than she could ever imagine.</p><p>i lost my other half ages ago. </p><p>man,<br/>
i really liked that half too.<br/>
it was everything good about me. what remains is incomplete. superficial.</p><p>what remains is not me.<br/>
i’m dead.<br/>
at the very least i’m not alive.</p><p>i miss them. i just want to feel like myself again.</p><p>so i promised them would come get them.<br/>
soon.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. heaven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>My grandma and grandpa are both old now, fragile with age. Parkinson’s and dementia. They’ve spoken little English for as long as I can remember. I hear the endless stories my mom tells from when she was growing up. I’m sad I wasn’t there to see who they really were. I miss them even though I’ve never really met them.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Im surprised people are actually reading this. I hate writing anything “cheesy” because I like to avoid emotions at all costs I hope it doesn’t make the writing weird. <br/>If you haven’t had water today go get a glass<br/>If you haven’t eaten yet go get something <br/>If you haven’t showered recently go take one<br/>If you have meds to take go do it<br/>Skin care is surprisingly relaxing. If you haven’t done it recently, mess around a little bit. It’s fun (:</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>often i think about what my heaven would look like.</p><p>i wouldn’t be imprisoned by time.<br/>i would be with my friends.<br/>i would be alive.<br/>i would be there. again.</p><p>i love you, but nobody else saw you in the way i did.</p><p>i love you, but not even my body could be with you.</p><p>i love you, but i was forced to give you up for a future i didn’t even want.</p><p>how cruel.</p><p>i think about you often.<br/>you’re everywhere i look.<br/>not one day has gone by where i haven’t thought about you.</p><p>that’s why i believe you would be my heaven.</p><p>Although, heaven can only be obtained by those who deserve it.</p><p>how cruel.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>wasn’t going to add this, but I did so kind of rushed, I apologize.</p><p>where the title comes from 🤠</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I haven’t baked in a while. but I want to</p><p>as always:<br/>If you haven’t drank water today go get a glass <br/>If you haven’t eaten yet go eat something <br/>If you haven’t showered recently go take one<br/>If you have meds you need to take, do that<br/>sometimes I think about the person reading this. I have no idea who they are yet they're living a life I will never know of. Even if I don’t know that life, I still want you to enjoy it. Naive, right?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>it’s painful.</p><p>my mind is stuck.<br/>it refuses to unpause. because unpausing, in a way, would be letting go.</p><p>no</p><p>i’m not going to let go.</p><p>i refuse.</p><p>it’s painful.</p><p>time passing<br/>watching everything around me age,<br/>and grow<br/>and grow<br/>and out grow this.<br/>out grow the now.</p><p>it’s terrifying.</p><p>will i lose more?<br/>will it hurt the same?</p><p>please don’t make me do it.</p><p>i’m not gonna do it</p><p>i’m not gonna do it<br/>i’m not gonna do it<br/>i’m not gonna do it<br/>i’m not gonna do it</p><p>oh. Ahaha <br/>i get it.</p><p>this is hell.</p><p>I’m in Hell.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. comfort</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>bad things happen</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I lost something today. Probably good for my health but bad for my wants. </p><p>I really hope it’s not genuine. It’s too soon. At least one more year. <br/>Well, I guess no matter what it’ll never be long enough.</p><p> </p><p>Drink water if you haven’t today<br/>Eat if you haven’t yet<br/>Shower if you haven’t recently <br/>(:</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i’ve become fascinated with hot food recently.</p><p>the kind that has a different flavor,<br/>and warms you up from the inside out.</p><p>it’s comforting.</p><p>i love medicine.<br/>i’ve wanted to be a surgeon ever since i was little.</p><p>i’ve learned how to treat wounds,<br/>and help fix the sick</p><p>we know how to help with the body.</p><p>i guess the question that remains is</p><p>what heals the soul?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. fears</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I think I’ve been doing better recently, and I hope you have been too. (: I’ve gotten a surge of motivation so new chapter 🌜👍<br/>Also I’m pretty sure this one was a lot longer than normal</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Reminders!!<br/>If you haven’t drank water today go get a glass <br/>If you haven’t eaten yet go eat something <br/>If you haven’t showered recently go take one<br/>If you have meds you need to take go do that<br/>If you haven’t slept well recently take some time for yourself to get rest</p><p>I like to bake but I haven’t made anything for a while so I’ll try to make something (:</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>one time we had to answer what our biggest fears were.<br/>i’ve always had a lot of trouble answering that question. partly because i’m indecisive. partly because i’m not good at being put in the spot.<br/>and these questions always come when i’m put on the spot. <br/>would you willingly think about it?<br/>even if i do i’m never satisfied with the answer. i’m like that. when i say something i want it to be so specific it conveys exactly what i mean.<br/>that’s probably why i never like the phrase “talk is cheap”. as a kid i was pretty quiet. so if words are cheap i must be poor.<br/>And no one wants to be poor.</p><p>i always liked to think the answer to that question would be something like rejection or failure. but it never felt specific enough.<br/>it might be ironic for me<br/>who knew what college i wanted to go to<br/>what major to study,<br/>what job to take,<br/>what city to live in,<br/>all at age 8,<br/>to be jealous of some many people. some of them aren’t even real.<br/>I hate them.</p><p>How are they not terrified?</p><p>it might be ironic for me<br/>who always had few friends, <br/>who rarely talked, <br/>who had trouble making relationships,<br/>to fear something like that.<br/>shouldn’t i be used to it by now?<br/>i’ve been feeling lonely recently.<br/>it always comes back to feeling lonely.</p><p>I’m terrified of being lonely.</p>
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